I have a worst-cast-scenario mentality.
I’m not sure how this developed, but no matter what the situation my mind always goes to the scariest “what-if” I can imagine. Can’t find my engagement ring? Must have been stolen! Forgot to turn off the oven? The apartment building will burn down!
Don’t even get me started on medical issues. The smallest lump or ailment sends me running to WebMD which is NEVER a good idea.
It’s terrible. I’m stuck in this negative pattern of thinking and I’m not sure where it comes from. It’s like I don’t want to let myself feel at peace because I don’t want to be disappointed.
This is becoming especially apparent now that I am completely out of my comfort zone. Part of me wants to establish a life here and the other part doesn’t think it’s worth it. I’m so focused on my old life and everything I left behind (a job I liked, close friends, family within walking distance) that I can’t seem to tune into the positives this move could bring. I’m mired in all of this negativity that is totally self-inflicted and totally not based in reality. I’ve been through big changes before and even though deep down I know that things will work out because they usually do, I put up all these walls to protect myself on the off chance that they won’t.
I don’t know why I’m predisposed to this thought process, but I’m sick of it. It’s not doing anyone any good. I’m trapped in a maze of thought patterns that is keeping me from feeling content and hopeful.
Marianne Williamson (whose lectures I attended frequently in LA and whom I admire greatly) spends much time exploring the power of the mind and how it shapes the human experience. In going back through her books, I was reminded of this one sentence that runs through her work:
We can always choose to perceive things differently.
I’ve completely lost sight of this: that the way we experience the world isn’t set in stone. It’s a choice that we make daily. I have the power to re-work this narrative rather than be a slave to old ways of thinking. I feel like I need to have this quote tattooed somewhere on my body as a constant reminder.
We wake up every morning and we have an important choice to make.
From now on, I choose to see things differently.